A Comedian Talks With God/ Creator (In an alternate universe)

The Jester
Lamar Deal

Dear Children,

I love you. All of you. “Red, yellow, black and white; all are precious in My sight.” I do like that song; so simple and so straight to the point. So, please, stop all that “race” stuff you guys are so obsessed about. Nobody is superior to or inferior to anybody. A blue house is no better than a green house, a grey house is no better than a red house; you get the picture. That’s just paint.

And by “guys” I mean all of you, male and female and all points in between.

What is important is how well the house is built. Is the foundation solid? Is it built on sand? On rock? Of course, if you don’t have rock to build on, if all you have is sand, did you do the best you could with what you had? That sort of thing goes a long way with Me. Just stop with the race thing, okay? Remember what Dr. King said about the content of one’s character. He was speaking for me.

And while We are at it, stop with the endless pleas for victory in sports. I don’t care who wins or loses the Georgia-Florida game. There are wars, famines, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornados, droughts, floods, blizzards, diseases and so much more; not to mention the disasters you bring down on yourselves. Oil spills for instance. Petroleum was originally conceived as a lubricant for the smooth movement of tectonic plates. There is a crapload of solar power out there, not to mention wind power, tidal power, and algae power. There is also power available by the actual, literal crapload. Yep, power from crap, from human effluvia. Methane, Baby! Now that is intelligent design.

Don’t get me started on Intelligent Design. All you have to do to refute that nonsense is to look in a mirror. Ask yourself why you can’t reach that one place on your back that itches like crazy. Ask any woman during that “time of the month” how intelligent the design is.

Or evolution, for that matter. “Where’s the missing link,” you cry. My thing is, I put systems in place. A leads to B leads to C and so forth. Who has time to invent all the millions of species of plants, fungi and animal life on the planet? Who has time for one planet out of the trillions of planets I brought into being? Better to invent self perpetuating systems than to laboriously make each and every thing on each and every world. Duh.

Stop with all the hosannas already. I get it, you’re thankful. You want to make a joyful noise unto the world? You know what makes for a really joyful noise? Silence, that’s what.

What I would really like to see is for you all to use the brains I gave you. The human brain is one of My best products, if you would only use it. You guys could solve most of your dilemmas without My help. Isn’t that what any parent would want?

Most sincerely and with much love,
Dad